A January of prayer | Jan. 14 | a month since Grandpa passed
A January of Prayer
| 14 January 2024
This morning I woke up and cried. Emotional and feeling unsteady.
It’s been a month.
One whole month since Grandpa passed away and went to be with the Father.
One month.
How has it already been that long? It feels like only yesterday. A moment ago. And then at the same time it feels like it’s been so long. So long since I've seen him. So long since I’ve heard his voice. So long since I’ve talked to him. So long since I heard it happen. So long since my mom and siblings and I were standing in the little sitting room off the kitchen crying hearing the news. So long since I ran up to my closet to weep alone. So long since we drove up to his house with the sheriff out front. So long since that stretcher with a drape of white rolled out into the black van and disappeared down the road. So long since family came over to weep and be together. So long since there has been true peace in the family. So long since that day. And then it is only a memory—a moment in time—away from me.
It has been a month of us living in this new reality.
A month of us feeling unsteady like a ship cast of from land and swaying in a storm of waves.
A month of living in a new normal.
A month living our day and forgetting for a moment only to remember in crushing clarity.
A month of crying and heartache.
A month of learning to trust God in a whole new way than before.
A month of getting closer to God and relying on His strength when I have nothing in me.
A month of my faith being tested and having to lean in closer to God than possibly ever before.
A month of challenges.
A month of pain after pain after pain.
A month of attacks.
A month of hurting.
A month of…everything. Heartache, sickness, pain, love, joy, tears, mourning, crying, fear, anger, peace, strength, weakness, victory, attack, closeness, better bonds, growth, maturity, clarity, questions, answers, hope, hopelessness, plans, release, direction, setbacks, comfort and so much more. It’s everything all at once. Life at its craziest.
Everyday is different. Some days are unbearable and you can’t stop crying. Some days you can manage it and it doesn’t hurt too much. Others it hurts intensely and you can’t stop the throbbing in your chest. Some days are numb and you can’t feel. Other days you feel too much. Some days you cry. Some days you laugh. Some days you can look at a photo of him and smile. Other days you can’t even look at a photo or burst into tears. Everyday is different. Thats alright.
I shared a verse with a friend of mine today. I wanted to share it here as well. This is what i’m hoping for.
You have turned my mourning into dancing;
you have taken off my sackcloth
and clothed me with joy,
so that my soul may praise you and not be silent.
O Lord my God, I will give thanks to you forever.
—Psalm 30:11-12
What I read…
- Psalm 95
- Psalm 96
- Psalm 97
- Psalm 30
Since my Grandpa’s passing, the Psalms are what I've read the most. The psalms are whats given me the greatest comfort. In the Psalms I see myself. I see my pain and struggles. I see truth about who God is—He gives peace, he comforts, he is love, he brings joy.
We don’t need to hide our “ugly” feelings from God. He already knows them. You can probably see them a lot in the psalms and in other books of the Bible. You needn’t hide them from Him. Give them to Him. Find comfort in the Psalms. Find comfort in God. He made you. You don’t have to hide from Him. You can share everything with Him.
That is a comfort.
Previous days…
- A January of Prayer
- Jan. 03 | the first real snow
- Jan. 04 | Practicing trusting God
- Jan. 05 | a living book
- Jan. 06 | prayer for protection & snow
- Jan. 07 | “what I have written I have written”
- Jan. 08 | good morning to you
- Jan. 09 | one of my favorite verses
- Jan. 10 | a sick day
- Jan. 11 | a sick day 2
- Jan. 12 | the sickness that shall not be named
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