Day 9 of 21 days of prayer
Day 9 of 21 Days of Prayer
| 21 December 2023
Today is a slow day. Yesterday was too. The past week has flown by in a blur. A blur of tears and shock and change and heartbreak and colors. It keeps hitting. Everyday. Not a day goes by without thankfulness and sadness and…pain. That’s grief. Life too. Living when you lose something you love.
I cling to God. Reading His words. Praying to Him. Seeking His peace and comfort and strength. I need Him more than EVER now in this time. I need Him. I’ve seen Him show up everyday is so many wonderful ways. In letters. In words from friends. In music. In the Bible. In visions of dreams. In guidance. In Him taking my hand and walking me through this time.
I feel like a little girl. I feel lost. Surrounded by rubble. Buildings exploded by bombers. Debris and nails and cements strewn all over the place. Dust covering the air, heavy in the light. Sun blocked out by the clouds. Everything is different. The world has changed in an instant and I don’t know where to go. But there is God. My father. My savior. My king. He comes through the rubble. He clears a path for me. It isn’t easy. You have to watch your step because if you don’t you’ll fall and hurt yourself or be lead on a different path. He won’t let me fall. He takes my hand in His. My frozen cold hand from shock into His warm one full of love and strength. He takes me through the destruction, step by step. He doesn’t rush me. He leads me quietly. A nudge on my hand, a tap on my shoulder, a hand on my face. He never lets my hand go. He doesn’t speak, He has no need for words, His presence is enough. In His eyes is love. In His eyes is safety and comfort. I don’t fear. I’ll look around and see the world altered and cry but He is always there comforting me and showing me I’m not alone.
What I read in the Bible…
- Psalm 41
- Psalm 42
- John 4
As a deer pants for flowing streams,
so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God,
for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food
day and night,
—Psalm 42:1-3
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
—Psalm 42:5-6
Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me.
By day the LORD commands his steadfast love,
and at night his song is with me,
a prayer to the God of my life.
—Psalm 42:7-8
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God.
—Psalm 42:11
Christmas musings
Never before have I related to these lyrics so much before.
I wonder what this Christmas (now 4 days away) will be like? I know I know, the whole reason for the season is celebrating Jesus Christ. It just…doesn’t feel like a time in my life to celebrate. Isn’t that lame to say? It’s Jesus’ birthday. Yet, I feel…”blue”. That’s dumb for me to think of isn’t it? Yet, that’s what I feel. It feels hard. A Christmas without…it just won’t be the same, that’s all.
But we will still make it special, especially for the littlest ones. My youngest brother is just at that age of understanding Christmas and presents and he gets so excited and loves Christmas movies and songs. I know he will love this season. I think my other brothers will too. My youngest sister is still a baby (just over 2 months) so she doesn’t yet understand these things though I still think she’ll enjoy the day knowing how much she likes music.
I think I might be hardest on my parents, me and my sister. I know there will be tears shed. That’s not a bad thing. I don’t really know what the day will look like.
I’m looking forward to baking our traditional Christmas morning cinnamon rolls to have when reading the nativity story (Matthew & Luke). I always love that days Bible time. It’s always been my favorite! I love hearing those stories and will never tire of hearing them. <3
Later…4:50pm
There is something I’m needing to remember.
It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to feel sad. It’s okay to not be happy. It’s okay to feel feelings. It’s okay to not be okay.
With it being Christmas season, I keep thinking I should be happy. I should feel excited. But then…it feels almost like a betrayal. How can I be happy now? Doesn’t that say something is wrong with me? Doesn’t that just look like I don’t care and have forgotten? I’ve said I will never forget. I won’t. Yet…I don’t know how to feel happy right now. I don’t know how to not be sad and heartbroken.
My mom came and talked to me after I sad/stressed cleaned my room. She told me that’s it’s alright to feel and be sad and not be happy. She reminded me of the verses in Ecclesiastes. There is a time for everything under the sun. A time for happiness and a time to cry and not be happy. Everything has its place. You can mourn and feel. Jesus himself cried and wept with those who wept. He felt and that was a good thing. God created feelings and joy and tears. We can feel those things. It’s okay.
a time to weep, and a time to laugh;
a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
—Ecclesiastes 3:4
You have kept count of my tossings;
put my tears in your bottle.
Are they not in your book?
—Psalm 56:8
Previous days:
- 21 Days Of Prayer
- Day one | praying for specifics and to be a light for God
- Day two | praying for my future husband
- Day three | processing…
- Day four | check ins and journal entries
- Day five | seeing God in EVERYTHING + the crashing waves of grief
- Day six | feeling SEEN in the Psalms
- Day seven | Feelings muddled under the surface of my skin
- Day eight | rejoice always
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