21 days of prayer | praying in the new year 

Day 5 of 21 Days of Prayer 

| 17 December 2023

I see God in all the details. Maybe more than ever before, I see His hands working through everything. I see Him in it all. In so many things i didn’t understand, I see why now. I didn’t before. I didn’t see this coming—I never expected it. I could never expected it. It was never even a thought really. Yet, it did happen. I couldn’t have seen it coming. God did. I know He did. I know He prepared us…maybe not emotionally or in that we were ready for it to happen…but He placed us in the exact best spot. He gave us a gift. A gift in years, time, and relationship. He let us go through hard times and failures because it would keep us here for when we would need to be here the most. I see Him in that. I see God in all of it. I’m so so thankful. I’m so thankful it is Him. I’m so thankful He loves us. I’m so thankful He is a good father. I’m so thankful for God and His love, comfort, and foresight. 

Even knowing, in a way, that He prepared me for this. He prepared me for this last year in a story I wrote. A Pumpkin Hill Story. Now, that book will always remind me of this time. I think it will help me. Now, I almost want to drop all other writing projects so I can focus on getting this book to my parents and siblings. I think it might help them too. 

Later…12:56 pm 

| 17 December 2023 

Then it hits me again. Crushing me. Stealing the air from my lungs. Un unending river of tears trailing down my face. 

It comes and goes in waves. 

One minute I’m peaceful and happy and the next I’m heartbroken and in tears and the next I’m mad and then full of gratitude and then I question then remember truth. Again and again and again. I feel everything all at once at the same time. 

I see a photo. I remember handwriting. A letter. I hear a song. Think a memory. Dream a dream. Forget and remember with crushing clarity. I know one day, I hope, it will be less painful. My life is altered. Split between moments. The Before you can never return to and the After you cannot escape. Living in thankfulness and heartache at the same time. 

“Gravity feels like an undertow pulling me down”

— For the First Time, The Little Mermaid (2023) 

Later…6:42 pm 

| 17 December 2023 

It’s been h a r d. 

So so hard. 

Sometimes I feel okay, like I can live and survive. Others, I feel like I’m drowning and I can’t think and I don’t know how to carry on. I want to hide and scream and weep and throw something. I just want the world to go back to how it was before. I just want…I want things no longer available to me. Now so much is happening. So so much. It’s heartbreaking. It hurts. There are checklists to make and plans and wishes to carry out. It’s so h e a v y. I feel sick. I hurt. On my chest lies a weight. But then I remember all the good things. My heart breaks. I cry. I weep. I cry in my closet and try to process. I said I would. I said I would feel. I will not go dark again. I can’t go dark again. I did it before. I can’t again. But what now? What can I do with nothing to hold? 

I will carry on. I will trust God. I will let go if I must. I will pray continually. I will go to God for all my needs. I will use this to motivate me. I will use this to believe in myself. I will honor. I MUST. I have to. I have to for him. 

So I will carry on. 

Feeling God in my writing 

Journal Entry — night

| 16 December 2023

I feel like I’ve felt God the most in my writing and words these past two days. 

If you know me, you know that I have always said that God is my writing partner. He has always been that for me since I very first started writing. It’s been the two of us—me and Him. I have always been thankful for and have loved this connection. I could not write without Him—nothing good or that would mean anything. He is what makes things mean and matter. 

I have always known that. 

But these past two days starting on December 15th, I see it bigger and clearer than before. 

I’ve seen Him in my writing bigger and clearer than before. I can see it so clearly when it’s Him. The words look different. They have a different warmer bigger feeling to them than mine do. 

I’ve seen it the most these two days. 

Since I was young, I prayed to see things. I prayed for dreams and visions. I prayed to have S I G H T. Then when I and my family needed it most, God gave me a picture. That picture gave me peace and comfort. I wrote it down. I saw it help not only me and my heart but the people around me. I know that wasn’t me. That isn’t me. That’s God. That’s Him. That could only be from Him. I could not write it myself and it mean anything. It was Him. 

I thank Him for it and that I got to be the messenger. 

Previous days: 

• 21 Days Of Prayer 
• Day one | praying for specifics and to be a light for God
• Day two | praying for my future husband  
• Day three | processing…
• Day four | check ins and journal entries

God bless us, every one 

If you think to pray for me and my family I will be forever grateful! If you have a prayer request or need please comment and let me know! 

Goodnight <3 

Love, 

Moriyah