Can I be honest?
Can I be honest?
| trying to be positive + learning about myself + in the trenches of editing |
Hello, Sweet Friend!
Today’s post is in two parts and is me being honest about some of the things I’ve been struggling with this week (hence the title “Can I Be Honest?”). Both are things I’m learning and working on in myself this past week *looks back on calendar to make sure it has actually only been a week of struggling*. This is like a journal entry for me. I process things through writing, so this is what I’ve been processing lately.
Also, if you have a prayer request, please let me know! I’d love to pray for you! I hope you can find something encouraging in this post! Thanks for reading and letting me process here! <3
TRYING TO BE THANKFUL
Snow keeps falling and piling up outside. The snow has reached over the front windows and my brothers made a sort of maze outside in the high snow. Usually I’m not affected by the weather (it doesn’t change my mood, that is). This is the first year I’ve really felt a sadness about the snow. Winter blues as my mom calls it. This is odd for me because I usually love the snow where I live. I always say that it reminds me of Narnia. It’s true! It’s absolutely beautiful and looks just like when Lucy steps out of the wardrobe and is in the snow covered trees. The snow sparkles and turns everything new.
But it’s now March. I usually think of March as spring but this year it has all been snowing and we are supposed to get MORE snow (though we did get some rain last night). I feel done and sad. I miss flowers, going outside, sitting in chairs in the front yard and writing or reading in the sun. I miss warmer weather and not being freezing even inside. I don’t want to complain and I’m finding that’s a problem I’ve felt the past few days starting with editing again. After editing I crashed, I felt hit by overwhelm and sadness and just missed the happier weather.
I read this quote from The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. This is what I find myself wishing for…
“Wrong will be right, when Aslan comes in sight,
At the sound of his roar, sorrows will be no more,
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death,
And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again.”
I know I shouldn’t complain. I don’t want to complain. I’m finding it’s an attitude I have to work on in myself right now. I ache for warm weather, flowers, the sun and even leaving the house (which is shocking because I love being home and prefer it to most all places). For now, I’m trying to be thankful in all and still see the beauty and the good (even if this isn’t exactly what I want at the moment). I’m trying to be patient and thankful. I’m writing this post right now to remind myself of this.
Still, I look forward to God bringing back spring and the sun! Till then I await *somewhat* patiently.
…
Since I’m getting this all off my chest, I’m going to go on another rant, this time about editing. I just realized today that I’ve never shared much about my editing—mainly I’ll say I’m planning on editing or that I finished but nothing while in the midst of it. So here is where I am right now in the midst of it and what I’m learning about myself.
…
IN THE TRENCHES OF EDITING
Can I be honest? Editing sucks for me. I love writing, escaping into a new world, making friends with new characters, and creating stories that have messages and touch the heart. Editing is a battle sometimes. Sometimes it’s like trudging through the mud. Like walking in a fog.
Sometimes editing is good…but others it’s absolutely draining. This editing season has been draining emotionally. More so than I thought. One part it’s the editing. The other is the story.
A Pumpkin Hill Story is a book I wrote that took inspiration from a hard time in my life. A time I went dark. I was depressed and hopeless. I felt I fell from God. He never left me—not once—but I’m afraid I left Him. I distanced myself from Him because I couldn’t hear His voice over the raging emotions and feelings in my head that never stopped unless I hurt myself or drew something to express myself and then I could think again.
Reading this story again is reminding me of that time and everything I felt. The pain that was inside me that made me push everyone (even God) away from me and made me feel unworthy of love for I was becoming silent and dark. It took a while and a lot of love but I was able to heal from it. God met me in incredible ways. It wasn’t a fast healing but something that took years—a continual healing that still I’m going through but in new ways. No longer am I silent and dark in feeling but light and healed by my Father—by God.
That is this story. My main guy character, who I'll call “R” for now because it will save me time in explaining, is in the midst of this. He has experienced great loss and has pushed everyone away and has become dark. He doesn’t understand his emotions or how to process and feels unworthy. God meets him in an absolute supernatural way. The ending has my favorite scenes I think I’ve maybe ever written but they are extremely emotional for me. Reading back on it I couldn’t stop crying through the whole ending. My eyes were blurred reading the words on the screen and I kept having to take off my glasses to wipe my eyes to try and see. Writing these final scenes was like going back to that dark time and finishing that story. It wasn’t over in my life—not entirely. I made a lot of progress but it wasn’t until I wrote Broken Ballerina that I realized that maybe I’m holding on to things I shouldn’t. The chapter has ended but I've been hesitant to open the next chapter even knowing great things are ahead. Even though I moved past it, the door was still cracked open. I still look back on that time and feel deep sadness and like crying. I know I'm still sensitive to it. It’s tender and bruised but I'm healing.
I don’t think I realized till reading R’s story that I'm not fully past that time emotionally. I think I’m still holding on to it but I’m not sure why. I thought I was and I am getting there but I’m still tender towards it.
I still have a lot to learn and a lot to heal from. I need to let go of that time and allow myself to close the door and enter a new chapter in my life. I think I was doing that for a time but looking back has opened a crack. I don’t want to hold on to that time—a time that God has healed me of and has set me free of. I’m looking ahead and trusting God.
I suppose the good thing about this is that it keeps reminding me that I still need God. I still need Him to heal me. I still need Hos live. I still need Him and will always need Him. He has done supernatural healing in my life but it isn’t over. I don’t know if it will ever be over. I'm thankful to know that God is on my side and will be with me through the entire journey. He is still writing my story and He won’t abandon me. He will walk through it with me. I’m so thankful for Him.
BEHOLD PEACE Update:
The first Bible study in BEHOLD PEACE is on Esther! Esther Chapter FIVE & SIX, the third post in the Esther Study (Chosen, Favored, & Planned by God), is now published and ready to read!
I’m so excited to be starting this Bible study with you! I hope you check it out! Make sure to come back to BEHOLD PEACE this Monday because we will be reading and discussing Esther chapter 7!!!
More posts…
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Discussion Time
Thank you so much for reading this post! Thank you so much for reading this! I hope you find something encouraging in this post!
I want to hear from you! Meet me in the comments and tell me what you thought of today’s post? How has your March been? Where is the weather where you are? Are you snowed in too or has Aslan brought spring? Is there a topic you want me to cover? I would love to chat and pray for you!
If you have any questions or want to talk (or have a prayer request), make sure to comment down below! Be sure to subscribe to this blog to stay in the know because I post new content here every week. ALSO, If you want to hear more about my writing and what I’m reading, make sure you are subscribed because I am doing special updates for BLOG SUBSCRIBERS ONLY!
XOXO Moriyah 🤎
Hi friends! I just wanted to share a quick happy update! Last night the internet went off and at exactly 9am the internet came on just in time to publish this post!!! Thank you Jesus! 🙌🏻💛
ReplyDeleteIt has also been raining all night and the snow is finally starting to melt!!! I’m so thankful!!! 😍😭🙌🏻
That's such a huge praise!!🙌🏻
DeleteYayyy for happy news!! :)
Yes!!! I’m so thankful! 🙌🏻 Today my family also got out of the house for a little drive which was so good (this is the first time I’ve gone out of the house in over two weeks 🙊)! I’m so happy the weather is changing!!! 😍☀️
DeleteThis was an absolutely beautiful post, Moriyah! I love that Narnia quote (it always comforts my soul, to be honest), and I can definitely understand the winter blues! It's amazing how you incorporate so much of your faith and story into your books! It is so encouraging. This post was so beautiful, and brightened my day!🥹 Thank you so much!
ReplyDeleteAww!! Thank you so so much! Me too! I was feeling sad and looking through Pinterest and I saw this quote again and instantly felt happier and peace. Everything Lewis writes is a comfort to me! In my mind this quote stuck out to me in that this is what God is going to do. I just have to wait patiently on Him.
DeleteThank you!!! It’s one of my favorite things about writing honestly. It’s a place where my characters and myself can heal. It’s the place I feel God in such big ways!
I’m so glad this was encouraging and that it brightened your day! That makes me happy & brightens my day! You’re welcome! Thank you for reading! 💛
Yes! C.S. Lewis is such an inspiration to me! That's so wonderful that you can feel God in your writing. That is such an amazing feeling!
DeleteOf course! I always love reading your posts and chatting with you, friend!!! ❤
Me too!!! So much of his writing has helped me on my writing journey!
DeleteIt really is such an amazing feeling! It’s my favorite part about writing—it’s feeling God in it!
Aww! Thank you so much, friend!!! I love chatting with you too (and getting to fangirl over our favorite books)!!! 💛
Ahhh I LOVE that Narnia quote!!! It's so beautiful!! (And yay for the snow starting to melt at your place! It's been raining where I live for the past few days, which is at least better than snow XD)
ReplyDeleteOh girl. I relate to your experience with writing a story that has so much of your heart and pain in it, yet also a testimony of God's healing. I think those stories are the most important to share, and at the same time the hardest to get through. 😭 May God use your story in powerful ways! <333
Eek! Me too!!! It’s one of my favorites!!! YES! I’m so thankful that the snow is melting! I can actually see the trees again without snow and they look happy too (when it snows a lot the trees are weighed down by the snow and now that it’s melting, the trees are bright green and full)! Yes! I love the rain and would much prefer it over the snow XD!
DeleteAww! Girl, I’m so glad you can relate to this! It’s such a beautiful, hard, and rewarding thing to write about. Most of the time I write I feel like it’s for myself to heal. My dream and hope is that once others can read these stories that the healing I went through the can feel and experience for themselves! I hope that what I write God can use to help others and help them find God and heal!
I agree! They are so important to share but then can be hard to write and share. When you become so vulnerable with your work you want to share it but then it’s absolutely terrifying because it’s you, it’s your story and your heart and that can be hard to share. It can also just be really emotional to write and that can make it hard (like this story).
😭 Thank you so much Saraina! *wipes tears from eyes* Your words mean so much to me! <333 May God do the same in your story and writing! I’m sure He will do great and powerful things through you! Testimonies are powerful things used by God, if that is a part of your writing I have no doubt your stories will be powerful and God will use them! I look forward to reading your stories!
Oh Riyah😭🙏🏻🙏🏻 I completely relate to your winter blues (cabin fever as our family calls it). Its been storming off an on here & this week is FULL of rain & lighting. Ughhh. I am living for some blue skies, bright pretty flowers & warmer weather rn. I'm soooo done with all this gray.
ReplyDeleteOh man. I'm so sorry editing as taken such a toll on you. I completely understand the whole healing situation, how there's still these things & reminders that can instantly take you back to the dark places. I'm going through some of that rn, & I pray that God will help us both🙏🏻😭🙏🏻
I LOVE you sm & I am always praying for you sweet Riyah!!💛🙏🏻 Thank you for sharing today!!
Also, I hope to respond to your vox today or tomorrow🤞🏻 I haven't forgotten yet🤭
Aww, Madi! 😭💛 I’m sorry you relate (I wouldn’t wish anyone to have these winter blues or cabin fever). Wow! That’s a lot of storming. *sigh* I know what you mean! I miss flowers and the sunshine so much! Hopefully after all this rain there will be a break and sunshine and clear skies!!! I agree. I’m done with the snow and am praying for spring!
DeleteThank you Madi! It hasn’t been fun. Good I’m finally making progress just not in the way I feel. 😭 Healing is HARD (and long). I’m so glad God is here with us through it all but it is still hard. It is hard when there are things and reminders that take you back to that place and those feelings. It’s like if I ever have to verbally speak things that happen in my past that’s hard or emotional—I just start bawling (it was a similar feeling editing and reading R’s story. So much of his story and trauma is mine and it was hard to read because in a way it was like seeing my past made real and separate. I don’t know if that makes sense but that was the feeling. Like seeing a movie of yourself but it’s not you but it has all the hard feelings and pain. I don’t know how to describe it, but it was hard reading just because i hate that I went through that dark time. I hate that little me went through that and now watching R go through that it just hurts).
I’m so sorry you are going through that right now too. 😭 It’s good to feel and work through the pain and the trauma though it sucks. It is better to get it out than have it fester inside. It has to get out somehow. It must.
Speaking of which, that’s one of my main themes in this story. “Feeling is healing”. I wrote this conversation between my main girl & her mom and it sums up a lot of what I think…
“𝘐 𝘩𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨.”
𝘔𝘰𝘮 𝘭𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘴. “𝘔𝘦 𝘵𝘰𝘰. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘫𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘩𝘶𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶, 𝘪𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘪𝘤𝘬. 𝘐𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘬𝘦𝘦𝘱 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘣𝘶𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 𝘰𝘯𝘦 𝘥𝘢𝘺 𝘪𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘵𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯’𝘵 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘭 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦. 𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘰 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘚𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘨𝘳𝘺. 𝘠𝘦𝘭𝘭. 𝘊𝘳𝘺. 𝘉𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰. 𝘑𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘨𝘦𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘶𝘵. 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘣𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘥 𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘵. 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘣𝘦𝘤𝘢𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨.”
“𝘏𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨?”
“𝘍𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘢𝘭 𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘭𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘶𝘵 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦. 𝘋𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘴𝘵𝘰𝘱 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘮.”
Thank you so much for praying! I’lol be praying for you!! 🙏🏻😭
I LOVE you so much! Thank you for your prayers! They mean the world to me! I’m praying for you sweet Madi! 💛 You’re welcome! Thank YOU for reading, commenting, and reading this VERY long message! 😂😍
Okay! Thanks for letting me know! 💛
Sorry this is soooo long. It’s like a blog post all for you 🤣🙈
DeleteI'm in love with the snow, but I can see how it can become wearisome. Brighter--and warmer--days are ahead, Moriyah. <3 Just as springtime finally came to Narnia, so will it come to your neck of the woods. (Only you just won't have fauns and centaurs and talking beavers to accompany it.)
ReplyDeleteOh, that dratted editing. It's a daunting task on the best of days. One word at a time, dear girl.
Emotional wounds are often discounted because they are invisible, but that does not make them any less painful. You have come a long way in healing, but there is still a ways to go. That's okay. You're not alone, and you are His precious creation and, more importantly, you are His daughter. Writing about our pain is cathartic, and that's exactly what you did. And when readers pick up your book, they'll *feel* that. Because your heart and soul and so much more went into it.
Let yourself take time to heal. Let yourself cry. Tears are cleansing, and we were given the capacity to cry for a reason.
Our pens may run out of ink and may cause those nasty ink blots that stain whatever they touch, but His pen has already crafted your story. I don't know why He allowed your battle to be woven in, but I do know it is making you stronger for a purpose you are yet unaware of.
If you need any help with editing or publishing or whatnot, please let me know. <3
(I'm posting this again because I am a dunce and forgot to enter my name. *cue the eyerolls*)
ReplyDeleteI'm in love with the snow, but I can see how it can become wearisome. Brighter--and warmer--days are ahead, Moriyah. <3 Just as springtime finally came to Narnia, so will it come to your neck of the woods. (Only you just won't have fauns and centaurs and talking beavers to accompany it.)
Oh, that dratted editing. It's a daunting task on the best of days. One word at a time, dear girl.
Emotional wounds are often discounted because they are invisible, but that does not make them any less painful. You have come a long way in healing, but there is still a ways to go. That's okay. You're not alone, and you are His precious creation and, more importantly, you are His daughter. Writing about our pain is cathartic, and that's exactly what you did. And when readers pick up your book, they'll *feel* that. Because your heart and soul and so much more went into it.
Let yourself take time to heal. Let yourself cry. Tears are cleansing, and we were given the capacity to cry for a reason.
Our pens may run out of ink and may cause those nasty ink blots that stain whatever they touch, but His pen has already crafted your story. I don't know why He allowed your battle to be woven in, but I do know it is making you stronger for a purpose you are yet unaware of.
If you need any help with editing or publishing or whatnot, please let me know. <3
Hi Madi! Sorry about that. Well at least it’s fixed now!
DeleteAww! Thank you so much for saying that! Warmer & brighter days are ahead! I usually love the snow but it’s been feeling never ending and it’s started to mess with me. I’m glad you love it!!! I can wait for springtime to come! That would be so fun to have the magical creatures from Narnia but I guess I’ll just be happy with the birds, squirrels, dears, and neighborhood bear!
You are quite right! It is a daunting task. Thank you for the advice! That makes it sound less daunting—only one word at a time.
I’m crying right now. Thank you so much for writing this, you have no idea how impactful this is to me! I don’t know how to accurately describe my thanks. Your words are so encouraging to me and it means a lot that you took the time to write this for me. <333
It is hard that they are invisible these wounds. I think emotional wounds are far harder to heal from than physical ones because they are hidden and invisible. You wouldn’t notice it from seeing someone that deep inside them lies heavy hurts and trauma.
Thank you for saying that. You are absolutely right. I’m not alone because I have God with me and I am His daughter. He is with you as well because He loves you and cherishes you.
You’re right! Tears are a way to help us heal. It isn’t a bad thing but a gift from God. A gift to heal.
I don’t know either but I’m thankful that He does. He knows and has it all under control. My job is to trust Him and follow Him. He already has my story ready and written. I must trust.
Thank you so much for offering to help! This means so much to me! I have such love and respect for you and your writing! I’ll be sure to call on you if ever a need for help arose! <3
Thank you again for writing this! It means more to me than I can say. You have such a gift for writing. It’s beautiful and I love that, in what I’ve read from you, it’s all done in a way that glorifies God and highlights Him! It’s incredible and such a gift! God is going to do wonderful things in your life and in the life’s of others through your writing! It’s already done that in mine and I have no doubt that it will continue in others.
This post was beautiful, Moriyah! It really touched my heart. I related to it so much. I find I have to remind myself to have a positive attitude so often so you are definitely not alone in this, friend.💗 I love that Narnia quote so much! This was just a beautifully written post, Moriyah! Thank you for sharing.💗
ReplyDeleteThank you so much, Emma! I’m glad this touched your heart and that I’m not alone in this. 💛 It’s definitely a challenge and something I have to remind myself daily to be positive and thankful (we are currently on our second day of snow and the trees are all covered in white. It’s absolutely beautiful but then…it’s more snow and has the feeling that winter will never end (though I know it will end)). Me too!!! I love Narnia quotes! They are all just my favorite!
DeleteThank you so much, friend! Thank you for reading and commenting! 💛