Moriyah’s 19th Birthday

 

Hello lovely!

Today marks a new era, a new year in my life. Nineteen. My last year of technically still being able to call myself a “teen”. Lol. 

Yes, today is a day of celebration but I want to let you in on a little secret. Well, I suppose it isn’t actually a secret only that I haven’t told you yet so it feels like a secret. The secret: I have been dreading my nineteenth birthday. 

I don’t really want it to come or be celebrated. Whenever I think of it I just have anxiety and heavy sadness. If someone mentions it I tend to look uncomfortable or try to change the subject. All I want to do is cry. Honestly, I’ve been dreading it coming for a long time. 

You know when there are days that just hold a different meaning? They have a significance or a strong memory attached to them. You can’t be in the day or go to the place without that memory and feeling taking over—for good or bad or sadness. 

Ever since I was little my birthday has never felt like my birthday unless my Grandpa was there. He was always on the top of my list. So much so it came to be that as long as there was Grandpa and cake it was a perfect day. I wouldn’t even need presents. I just wanted him to be there. Even when I lived in Hawaii for a season—that was such an incredible and life changing place and we felt God so strongly there—I had my 14th birthday there and though it was very special it didn’t feel right without him and he was all I really wanted. 

There are other things like that. Parties don’t feel like parties without him. It isn’t a family gathering if he isn’t there bringing grapes (he would always want to bring a treat for his grandkids which ended up being grapes and sometimes strawberries). You can’t go to the movie theater without Grandpa being there (that was a tradition in our family). I dread the day I may go into a movie theater and he will not be there. I may go on strike. 

The point is, my birthday doesn’t feel like my birthday without him, I would rather go on not celebrating than to celebrate without him. 

I know it has to come and happen—it’s not like I can prevent or skip over July 23rd, but I wish I could. I wish I could because it’s one of those days I know I’ll feel his loss more. 

This is my first birthday after his loss in December. What do you do when you lose someone so important to you? What do you do on a day that is made wonderful by them and they aren’t there? What do you do when the person you love dies and blasts a hole in the universe with their loss—a vacuum that cannot be filled? 

I’ve been dreading this day and now it’s come. 

I have one birthday rule. No people over. I can manage with my family—I love being with my parents and siblings—but I don’t want anyone else. I don’t think I can handle it. That’s one good thing about birthdays: you can decide if people come or not. 

Even though I personally don’t want to celebrate this day—I’m a bit of a downer now—I know my family wants to. My littlest brother Lion, who is 3, loves birthdays. He loves to dress up for a party and make a cake and sing songs. Ever since he heard my birthday is coming he has been counting down the days till he can make my party. It’s so sweet. For him, more than myself, we are going to have a small family party. I don’t know yet what the day will bring (I’m writing this early) but for him I want it to be a happy and a special day. It’s kinda like last Christmas. We were so heavy and deep in grief that we probably wouldn’t have celebrated if it wasn’t for my two youngest siblings. Yes, Christmas is Jesus’s birthday so we would have still celebrated that but not any of the other Christmasy things that make it special and magical. I feel like we have been doing things and celebrating more for the littles even that for ourselves. It’s for them to make them feel happy and special less than for us. I think it’s—at least to me—a good perspective to have. Doesn’t the Bible say how it is better to give than receive? 

I still may end up crying and moody on my birthday—hopefully I can control myself enough today that it can be a joyful day for the littles. I still want the day to be happy but it might also be hard for me. I want to be open and honest. 

Grief is a tricky thing. It sneaks up on you and holds you captive, surprising you at odd moments and times when you least expect. Grief is and can be a hard thing to navigate especially when things that are happy come up and all you want to do is cry and mourn. It can be a bit confusing. Throughout this grief and loss with my Grandpa, I’ve been really wanting to be open with you all. I feel like it helps me process and maybe it can help you too. 

Kinda by accident I ended up documenting the first month without him every day. I started a prayer challenge three days before he died and committed to document it each day for about a month. I ended up sticking to the challenge and documenting the loss. If you are interested, the posts are all liked here: https://fablerosemc.blogspot.com/2024/01/day-21-of-21-days-of-prayer-final-day.html

I hope you are all having a lovely day. Sorry I’m being moody. Today just feels like a moody day. I’ll have happier posts coming soon. Just check out the post I did last week when I shared a funny snippet from one of my very first short stories (link)! I’ll try to do an update later in the day to recap and see what all happened. I’ll see you soon, friend! 

Love, Moriyah 

Look To Jesus | July 22, 2023  

What do you do when you feel lost and broken-hearted? What do you do when the earth shatters beneath your feet? What do you do when you feel you can’t take another breath and strain to fill your lungs just one more time? What do you do when all you feel is broken? The loss and pain and heartache crowd your mind. You fear you’ll never escape this hollow place. And the more you're scared you leave it all behind and with it those memories you can’t regain. Are you worried to move on, scared to look away? Is it wrong to want to heal? Is it wrong to never want to move ahead? Wanting freedom but scared of what you may leave. Will the memories you love just fade away? Can you bear to forget yesterday? 

What do you do when your world shatters in your hands? And you try to pick the pieces only for them to cut you deep. What do you do when all you want to do is fall and cry? What do you do when the pain and memories just don’t go away? Can you bear the thought that they could one day disappear? 

Drowning hopeless lost and feeling broken. What do you do when all you feel is this? 

All you can do is look to Jesus. Look at the holes drove into his two hands. See the gaping hole at his side. The scares he took on for you to be here. He knows the pain far better than you know. He knows the loss you feel. He sees your brokenness. His body was broken for you. Now you don’t have to be broken. His arms are open wide. He is the comforter. The prince of peace. The king. The Father. The Son. The Helper—Holy Ghost. He’s the only one who can take away the pain. 

He picks the pieces that you felt were shattered. He takes care of them and scoops them in his loving hands. He fixes them much better than you can. He doesn’t just fix them but turns them into a work of art. Crafted in the potter’s hand, formed deeply in your mother’s womb, he saw you before you were a thought, he saw you there right at the cross. 

Will you give it up to Him? Will you lay your burdens down? Will you look up at the cross and see Jesus hanging there for you? Will you take hold of his outstretched hands? Will you trust Him with your brokenness? Will you give Him all your pain—the scares, the fear, the memories? Will you look to Jesus and find healing in His hands? Will you go to Him deep inside your pain? 

Drowning hopeless lost and feeling broken. What do you do when all you feel is this? 

All you can do is…

L

O

O

K

T

O

J

E

S

U

S

But he was wounded for our transgressions, crushed for our iniquities; 

upon him was the punishment that made us whole, and by his bruises we are healed.

—Isaiah 53:5

*note: this is unedited. These are just thoughts I had last night that I wanted to write down and remember for myself.

July 23, 2024 | Moment by Moment  

9:25 am 

Good morning lovely! This morning I woke up around 8am, had Bible time (I’m in Isaiah right now), and was able to write about 1,550 words for a short story I’ve started working on. I think as of now I have decided to call it project.redemption as a placeholder because at the moment it is called “untitled story” and I don’t like that, lol. I’m still writing The Noble Oath but for the past few days (honestly since July started) I haven’t felt happy enough to write TNO. I love this book dearly but I want to be intentional with my time and mood with this story. I don’t want to write words to write words—which if I do that they will all need to be rewritten or cut entirely. I would rather not write this story right now and wait until I am in a better headspace to write then to just write. So that is why I have started working on a short story that is more on the sad//bittersweet side. 

Anyways, I’m going to put my hair in heartless curlers, work out and then have some pancakes. Also, since I’m updating you, we got a CAR last night!!! It was completely a surprise and answer to prayer. You see, we haven’t had a car that fits my whole family in about nine months. Then about two months ago our car (the one that doesn’t fit us all) totally broke down and it went to the dump or wherever it is cars that pass on go. Then after much prayer and by surprise (It wasn’t supposed to be ready until the weekend) we got this car that fits us all! After getting it, after almost two months of myself not leaving our home (yes, cabin fever was high and I had been going crazy for weeks), we went down to the store and got yellow roses (a tradition on my birthday) and a fun coffee drink for today. 

I’ll see you later! <3 

9:50 am 

I completely burst into tears. My mom came in to play a happy birthday song and it's a mariachi version and I burst into tears. It’s the same one my Grandpa would sing to me. It just sounded like him. 

I feel like today is going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. At one moment I’m happy and talking to a friend over the phone or seeing my siblings and the next I just want to weep. It’s an odd feeling to have these switches in feelings. 

1:03 pm 

Good afternoon! I’m taking a quick break upstairs before going back down. I’ve worked out (it’s so good to be moving and helps up my mental health and creativity), got some pancakes my sister made for me (she is the pancake queen), had some coffee and started watching Beauty and the Beast (animated)! That’s another sort of tradition, there is always some sort of reference to Beauty and the Beast on my birthday. I bet you can guess who my favorite Disney Princess is, can’t you? 

Also, a giant (well it looked big and was 1-2 inches) spider came to say hello. He was kindly escorted out of the house by one of my brothers and lives happily outside. Most of the time we smash spiders but he was so big we decided to let him live. 

4:00 pm 

Just a bit ago I went outside with my mom and siblings to sit in the shade of their trees on a pink picnic blanket. It was so nice being outside. We saw a butterfly flying by. Butterflies have always been my favorite ever since I was little. I remember getting a butterfly sticker book when I was a kid and hanging them on the ceiling (I was in a bunk bed so I could reach it quite easily). I told my mom upon seeing the little white thing that my goal is to get a video of a butterfly up close. Within minutes a black butterfly flew by and landed on a flower bush where bees were busy pollinating the flowers. Mom pointed him out and told me to go over, this was my chance. I made my way over but before I reached the flowers the black butterfly flew away into the trees. I was going to head back but something kept me in place watching the flowers. Then the slightest movement. There hidden in the flowers, quite camouflaged, was this small grayish-purple butterfly that hid so well into its surroundings. It stayed in place and I was able to take a video and photo of the sweet thing. It felt like a little gift from God. I had been wanting to capture a photo up close of a butterfly all summer since they started coming out. Here on my birthday my wish came true. 🦋 

8:20 pm 

We had dinner earlier. We made homemade pizza turned into sandwiches with burgers. Then we had lemon blueberry cake that was made by my brother, sister and me! It was perfect! 

Then we had presents. The first one I got was this beautiful study Bible. Inside was a note and photograph of the day of my birth and the first time my grandpa held me. I burst into tears. My littlest brother was very concerned about why I was crying and gave me a hug and told me he was here for me (what a sweetheart). 

Later we came out and took photos. One of my favorite things is having photos with my siblings on my birthday! That’s been a tradition of mine since I was little and we are continuing it on. We got all of us together and even the little green light showed up which if you didn’t know is a sort of sign of baby June who we lost before she was born. So for me, it was like all my siblings were there with me. 

I went and took a little walk to the mailbox with my dad and littlest brother. They stared back and I checked if there was anything in the mailbox. For a split second, barely a moment, I had the thought, “I wonder if Grandpa sent me a letter?” Grandpa has never missed a birthday of mine unless we were in a different state than him. Otherwise he was always there. If he wasn’t he sent me a letter wishing me a happy birthday and saying he loved me in his messy handwriting from writing with his left hand since his right was numb and didn’t work right. I miss him. I miss his handwriting. I miss his steady presence. I miss him. I have a box overflowing with his letters he sent to me since I was little. Even when he passed I found in his computer case he took with him everywhere a letter and drawing I sent to him when I lived in Hawaii. I miss him. It doesn’t feel right to have this day without him. Not even a letter with his name. It was a moment then gone and I remembered. 

Isn’t it a funny and cruel trick of your mind to have these thoughts? To know someone is gone but then you want to ask them to dinner or you wonder why they haven’t written only to remember they are gone. It’s not like you have truly forgotten. Your heart knows better but that doesn’t stop the wanting and questions. 

It really has been a wonderful day. I’ve spent time with my family. I had roses, coffee, cake and had fun with my siblings. I got to chat with a friend. I cried. I mourned. My heart is light and heavy. Secure and broken. 

Eighteen was insane. I’m praying nineteen will be better. 

Thank you if you have read all this post or even if you just skipped around to see the photos! It means a lot to me to share this day with you and to be open and honest about things. I pray you are having a good day and night! 

Don’t forget to check my Pinterest page where I am shaking photos and reels most everyday including videos from today! https://www.pinterest.com/fablerosemc/

Love, Moriyah 

Check out this Pinterest video that I made from today: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/996843698763940869/