For The Person Struggling This Holiday Season + learning from the Psalms

 

For The Person Struggling This Holiday Season     

a letter  

Dear friend, 

The holidays are amongst us. To many—most probably—it is a time of celebration and joy. A time of gathering. A time of getting together. A time of happiness. A time to remember sweet memories of past holidays. A time of anticipation. 

For others, this is a hard season. A time of memories. A reminder of what we have lost. A painful season. If only they were here. If only they could see what is happening. They would have loved being here. I miss them. Lost dreams being reminded at every turn. Faced with your loss for every moment of the season. 

A year ago in December (tomorrow actually), I lost one of the best people in my life. My friend. My hero. My steady rock. The person I knew I could rely on. One of the only people I truly trusted. The one who was always there for everything. My grandpa. 

My grandpa died eleven days before Christmas. 

To tell you the honest truth I’ve been dreading this Christmas. I have not wanted it to come. This time last year was filled with such loss and pain and hurt and betrayal. All those memories are resurfacing. I don't want the day to come. I don’t want it to be a year. I dread the day. A year of him gone. 

I once heard someone say (perhaps it was in a movie or heard in a conversation) that the first year of the loss of a loved one is the year of firsts. I think that is very true. It is the year of forevers, nevers and lost dreams. It is the finality of the loss. 

This is the first holiday without him. 

The first birthday he is not here. 

The first time we can’t talk to him.

The first time we don’t see him and there is nothing we can do. 

He’ll never come to another birthday. 

He’ll never get to come over for dinner.

He’ll never get to celebrate his birthday again. 

He’ll never see me marry.

He’ll never meet my kids.

He’ll never listen to his favorite songs again.

He’ll never hear a Christmas song again.

We’ll never go to the movies together again. 

He’ll never get watch that show he loved again. 

We’ll never get to say our final goodbye.

We’ll never get to tell him we love him to his face again.

We’ll never get to hug again.

We’ll never see him out in town again. 

On and on and on it goes. The world keeps spinning. Time keeps passing. A year will come and go as the first minute, the first hour, the first day, the first week, the first month, and as the first months all went by. It doesn’t stop. It never does. 

It is painful. It’s like a stab at my heart. My stomach sick. My eyes burning. Each song is a reminder. Each movie, decoration, tree, lights, snow, activity a blaring sound announcing the loss again and again to me. 

I loved Christmas.

I still do. 

It’s hard now. 

I don’t want it to come, though come it will. 

It always does. 

I think it will get easier. The ache won’t be as painful. The reminders will be less blaring. Once the year time is up you are permanently in the new way of life. There is no way of returning to how life used to be. The first year of a loss it’s all new. You long for the old way of life but it’ll never be. The new normal is settling in. From now on it's only that…normal. The shock has worn off. The trauma will hopefully lose its power. There is no going back. Your body can settle into this new way of life. 

Trauma comes from the Greek word meaning “wound” 

Or at least, that’s what I think will happen. I don’t really know. I haven’t personally gone through something like this before. I’ve experienced deaths and many traumas in my life. I’ve written whole books on the topic. This was so much bigger for me. So much harder. 

Everything has changed. I don’t know fully how to recover. I can’t be who I was. I’m changed forever now. I know I must live and I will. I know the right things to do but doing them is hard. There is still work to do. 

Wounds do heal but oftentimes they leave scars. I know I’ll carry these scars for a long time, maybe until my dying breath. 

My Hope

I’m not here to just tell you my woes. I’m not here to make you feel bad or sorry for me. Really I just want to be honest with you about what is going on in my life and what I’m feeling. Since my grandpa’s passing I’ve wanted to be really transparent with you. Maybe in being honest in my writing you may find the truth. Maybe you’ll find words for what you feel that you haven’t been able to put words to. That is the beauty of writing. You get to meet with people, relate to people and put words to things and feelings you may have not known how to describe before. 

I want to give you hope. When I share about my life—about my struggles—I always want to leave you with hope or peace or answers. I never want to just word vomit my feelings without care or reason. 

I haven’t moved on from this. I still feel deep in grief. I’m in a time of the year that is hard for me. It still hurts to remember my grandpa. Many days I just want to cry. I wish I could freeze time. Stop the year mark from coming. I can’t. I don’t have all the answers. 

But I do have hope. 

This is actually something I’ve learned from reading the Psalms. In the Psalms the writers are real and honest with their feelings. They leave their struggles bare in front of God. They do not shy away from what they feel. They are messy and honest. They tell God all that they are struggling with. They speak truth. At the end when they’ve laid out all their pain and woes they remember God’s goodness and give Him glory and honor. They praise God. 

The Psalmists have this perspective shift. It’s a really beautiful thing. 

I want to show you what I mean in Psalm 10. 

1# Speak Truth 

1Why do You stand afar off, O Lord?

Why do You hide in times of trouble?

2The wicked in his pride persecutes the poor;

Let them be caught in the plots which they have devised.

3For the wicked boasts of his heart’s desire;

He blesses the greedy and renounces the Lord.

4The wicked in his proud countenance does not seek God;

God is in none of his thoughts.

5His ways are always prospering;

Your judgments are far above, out of his sight;

As  for all his enemies, he sneers at them.

6He has said in his heart, “I shall not be moved;

I shall never be in adversity.”

7His mouth is full of cursing and deceit and oppression;

Under his tongue is trouble and iniquity.

8He sits in the lurking places of the villages;

In the secret places he murders the innocent;

His eyes are secretly fixed on the helpless.

9He lies in wait secretly, as a lion in his den;

He lies in wait to catch the poor;

He catches the poor when he draws him into his net.

10So he crouches, he lies low,

That the helpless may fall by his strength.

11He has said in his heart,

“God has forgotten;

He hides His face;

He will never see.”

12Arise, O Lord!

O God, lift up Your hand!

Do not forget the humble.

13Why do the wicked renounce God?

He has said in his heart,

“You will not require an  account.”

Psalm 10:1-13 

The psalms start—many times—from this place of struggle and questioning. They don’t sugarcoat their feelings. They don’t brush it off. They don’t hide their feelings. They speak truth. They tell God exactly what they are struggling with. They argue with God. They get angry. They get depressed. They want vengeance and validation. They feel all the emotions. They tell it all to God. 

God already knows your struggles. He already knows what you feel. It’s not something you can hide behind a fake smile. He knows. What a wonderful thing to lay all your struggles, pain, questioning, doubts, fears, anxieties, anger, selfishness, plans, hopes, dreams, wishes, hopes, desires, feelings, brokenness all of it at the feet of Jesus? He knows. Why hide? Tell Him. 

Did you read the first part of Psalm 10? It opens with the writer asking God, “Why do You stand afar off, O Lord? Why do You hide in times of trouble?” This writer is struggling. All around him he sees the wicked prospers in their evil ways. The wicked hide, murder, lie, curse, are full of pride, believe themselves to be greater than God and they get away with it. The Psalmist asks God where he is. Where is God when the wicked prosper? He wants to know. He struggled with this. He tells it all to God. 

When you confess like that, when you are truthful like that, it invites the other person (in this case God) to help you. He wants a relationship with you. I think he’d like to know your struggles. When you are open you are more likely to take help and advice. I believe God wants to help you. 

Speak truth. 

2# Remember the Goodness of God 

14But You have seen, for You observe trouble and grief,

To repay it by Your hand.

The helpless commits himself to You;

You are the helper of the fatherless.

15Break the arm of the wicked and the evil man;

Seek out his wickedness until You find none.

16The Lord  is King forever and ever;

The nations have perished out of His land.

17Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble;

You will prepare their heart;

You will cause Your ear to hear,

18To do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed,

That the man of the earth may oppress no more.

Psalm 10:14-18 

At the end of the psalms—almost always—they end in this place of returning. Returning to the Lord and His promises. 

They’ve laid out all their pain and woes. They tell it all to God. At the end they remember God’s goodness and give Him glory and honor. They praise God. They praise Him even in their suffering. 

I love the Psalm where David tells his soul to remember the Lord and His goodness. 

1Bless the Lord, O my soul;

And all that is within me, bless His holy name!

2Bless the Lord, O my soul,

And forget not all His benefits:

Psalm 103:1-2 

This is something I see happen a lot in the Psalms and in other parts of the Bible (like in Habakkuk). They remind themselves of the goodness of God. They remind themselves of God’s promises. They remind themselves of the faithfulness of God. Over and over they remind themselves of the character of God. 

The psalmists have this perspective shift. Shifting from looking at their pain and struggles to looking at God and His wonderful character. It’s a really beautiful thing. 

It is also a hard thing to do. It is so much easier to look at your life and see only the struggles, the hardships, the pain, the hurt, the loss, the suffering. It is hard to, when you are in that place, turn to God and give praise. It’s a really hard thing. But I think it is also needed. It’s this moment to kind of zoom out and see the bigger picture—to see God. We are shifting our focus off of ourselves and giving it to God. What a beautiful thing! A hard thing, definitely, but also something good. 

This is very much a struggle of mine. I’m still trying to learn how to do this. I’m not perfect. I’m human. I’m messy and broken and self centered and have an easier time seeing the bad in the world than the good. I’m working on changing this. How do you change this? By being in the word of God, praying, repenting from wrongs, and spending time with Jesus to learn to imitate Him and be more like Him.

1Imitate me, just as I also imitate Christ.

1 Corinthians 11:1

Remember the goodness of God!

The End

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you! While I shared my struggles in this season, I hope you were also able to find some hope and maybe even a perspective shift. I know the holidays can be a hard time for some people. I want you to know I’m praying for you and I pray that God gives you His peace and comfort in this season. I pray you know God as your comforter in this season. 

3Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, 4who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.

2 Corinthians 1:3-4 

Maybe you aren’t struggling this holiday season. Maybe you just wanted to see what I had to say. If so, thank you for reading! I hope you have a merry Christmas and happy holiday season! 

I’ll be taking a break for the holidays to rest and spend time with family. I also won’t be having any December newsletters if you were wondering about that. My vision issues have been getting worse the past few weeks so I’ll also be taking this time to rest my eyes and heal. 

Thank you for reading and being here! I love you guys! You have been with me through some of the best and lowest seasons of my life. I just want to say from the bottom of my heart THANK YOU LOVELIES! 

I’ll see you in the new year! 

Love,

Moriyah