With the Father — Grandpa’s passing

 

December 3rd 1951–December 14th 2023 

Now With The Father

Living in the shattered world — in the After

| 23 December 2023

On the 15th, my life shattered. Changed and altered. The chapter has ended, a new story begins. A life defined by a moment. A life split. The Before you can never return to and miss and the After you cannot escape. 

It wasn’t something we expected. It wasn’t a thought. How could this be true? How can this impossibility be possible? I thought he had so many years in front of him. I thought he would be here. I thought he would see me follow my dreams and get to hold one of my published books in his hands. I thought he would be there at my wedding, me in a dress of white with my husband to be. I thought he would be there when I have my first born and hold them in his arms. I thought he’d be there for all of it. Now he won’t be and that hurts. Then…I know it was time. When we heard the news…I knew there was no turning back. It was final and somehow I knew inside of me it was right. 

It’s still hard. Harder than hard. Everyday is waves of emotions. 

Hitting me in waves 

| 15 December 2023

It keeps hitting me in waves. 

The tide dies down, pulling back and you think you are perfectly fine and stoic then the tide comes in and the waves crash and break through your barriers and you are a crying blubbering screaming mess. 

Then the tide leaves and everything is fine again. Things go back to normal. Then it hits you. He won’t be at another birthday. He won’t be there for Christmas. He won’t be at the next family dinner. He will never see my art again. He won’t know if I made it. He won’t be there to see me get married. He won’t be there to hold my firstborn. He won’t be there for any of it. None. 

My favorite person beside my parents, siblings and God…gone. 

I feel numb and detached. I want to scream but I hold it in. 

Shaking. 

Falling.

Breaking.

Silent screams.

Unending tears. 

The tide comes in and crushes all breath in your lungs and you think you will drown with all your tears that never seem to stop. I didn’t know a person could cry so much. Unending. Always there. Always waiting. 

So it comes again and again always in waves. 

Unending.

I need help. 

Remembering TRUTH 

| 15 December 2023

I remember Paul. I remember the Bible and how many times the people there talked about how they couldn’t wait to die because they would be with God. They would be with Jesus and that was better than anything on earth. 

“For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.  If I am to live in the flesh, that means fruitful labor for me. Yet which I shall choose I cannot tell. I am hard pressed between the two. My desire is to depart and be with Christ, for that is far better.” 

—Philippians 1:21–23 

 “Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His saints.” — Psalm 116:15

I know that is true. 

What is true? That's what I have to keep reminding myself. When I do, I feel peace. 

My grandpa was a Christian. He loved God. He raised his family to be Christian. I know now he is with God. He is with the Father. That gives me peace. 

My grandpa was in pain for much of his life. He now feels no pain. 

My grandpa’s body was failing him. His body was numbing. Now he has a “new” body in Christ and can feel. 

He is with God. That gives me peace. 

The vision of p e a c e

| 15 December 2023

In my mind, after I heard and cried and was in my room praying, I felt a picture in my mind—mind you it wasn’t a true picture or vision or anything like that but it gave me peace and hope. 

I saw my grandpa younger—like in one of those old photos where he was young in his twenties and was happy, so so happy and smiling. Light, bright, warm, glowing, peaceful, comforting light surrounded him in a hug. God surrounding him in love. 

I’ve had that picture a few times since I was little. Light. I don’t know how to describe it but in my mind God is light. Not like a lightbulb or even the sun. It's big—bigger than anything I can see or describe. It's not really physical either. It's a feeling. It's a presence. It's…beyond description but the closest I can get to describing it is warm loving light. The feeling you get when hugging a loved one. A kiss on the forehead goodnight. The joy of opening a present. Seeing the vastness of the ocean stretching beyond anything you can see. Stretching your hands out to feel the wind clasped between your fingers though it's invisible and nothing you can truly touch. The sound of waves crashing on the shore. Light dancing on the waves. Fresh baked cookies. Cozying up to watch a christmas movie with hot chocolate. Saying goodbye with cheeks. It's more a feeling than something you can touch. It's peace. It's love. It's joy. It's understanding. It's the feeling of God in my life. 

It's small, only a moment of thought. Yet, it gave me peace. Peace that grandpa is with God. Peace that God has everything under control. Peace that God knows my pain and my family’s pain and that he will be with me and all of us. Peace that…that God has a plan for this. I don’t know what it is. I still don’t see why this needed to happen. I don’t know why he had to be taken away…but then…he won’t be in pain anymore. 

I’m selfish. I wanted grandpa to stay. 

I know he is home. 

Grandpa is the most unselfish person I know (besides my papa who I know gets it from his dad). He never complains even when he hurts. He is always giving to others. He takes time to know you. He is loving. He is a father. He has poured into people his whole life. Now he gets to be with God. He gets to be in a place without pain or suffering or hurt or sadness. 

Isn’t that what's best for him? I think it is. It won’t stop the hurting. It won’t stop the wanting. It won’t stop the pain in my heart. But…it gives me peace. You can feel peace even with a broken heart. 

I know he is home. 

| 21 December 2023 

I feel like a little girl. I feel lost. Surrounded by rubble. Buildings exploded by bombers. Debris and nails and cements strewn all over the place. Dust covering the air, heavy in the light. Sun blocked out by the clouds. Everything is different. The world has changed in an instant and I don’t know where to go. But there is God. My father. My savior. My king. He comes through the rubble. He clears a path for me. It isn’t easy. You have to watch your step because if you don’t you’ll fall and hurt yourself or be lead on a different path. He won’t let me fall. He takes my hand in His. My frozen cold hand from shock into His warm one full of love and strength. He takes me through the destruction, step by step. He doesn’t rush me. He leads me quietly. A nudge on my hand, a tap on my shoulder, a hand on my face. He never lets my hand go. He doesn’t speak, He has no need for words, His presence is enough. In His eyes is love. In His eyes is safety and comfort. I don’t fear. I’ll look around and see the world altered and cry but He is always there comforting me and showing me I’m not alone. 

Seeing God’s plan c l e a r l y 

| 16 December 2023

I also feel that I have seen God’s plans at work C L E A R E S T now. So so so clearly. There is no denying Him and His plans. 

I see it with us coming home from Hawaii.

I see it in the four years we lived here—we didn’t know why we were here but now we do.

I see it in the Sunday dinners we had with him.

I see it in that this was the perfect time for me to start writing (I started “officially” writing in 2021). 1) so I could have an outlet. 2) so he could see and be a part of it all.

I see it in the relationship Lion and him had together that was so precious. 

I see it in the timing of little Oceana’s birth—there to meet him and he her and for us to have a new life to hold onto. 

I see it on his birthday we celebrated just over a week before. It was so important he came that day so we could celebrate him and catch one last photo of him smiling and being with us. 

I see God’s hand in a thousand little things. It’s all clicking. I don’t know why now was grandpa’s time. I don’t know why. But I know now why we needed to stay. Why we needed to fail. Why we needed to be connected now. Why we needed to have this time. Why we needed to stay and not move. Why we even moved in the first place. I can S E E it now. I know that now. I see God’s hands so in this. He was there for us every single step of the way, leading us to here, to now. He knew this was coming and He knew the best place for us to be was here and He made it so. I see God in it all and I know I am blessed. We are blessed for the time, the years, the holidays, the birthdays, the sundays we did have with him. I’m going to miss him so much, but I know it was time for him to go home to God. It was time for him to be rewarded for the life he had serving God. It was time for him to be h e a l e d. It was time for his joy to be returned. It was time for him to feel his toes again. It was time for him to be with God and to speak to Him face to face as he always wanted to do—like when watching The Fiddler on the Roof. 

Things I want to REMEMBER <<<

He Last Watched…

The last thing Grandpa watched before he died was the gospel of John. Now I’m reading through it. 

Two Weeks Before…

Grandpa loved his dad so much. My great grandfather adopted my grandpa when he was just a little boy. Great grandfather (Poppy) married Nani (my Grandpa’s mom) and later adopted Grandpa. He was always a steady person. I remember Grandpa telling me how Poppy asked Grandpa’s blessing to marry Nani and always thinking that was cute! 

On November 30th, Poppy died. Then exactly two weeks later Grandpa passed. 

Happy birthday…

The last time I saw my Grandpa was his 72nd birthday on December 3rd. We celebrated his birthday at our house (by his request). We sang him happy birthday, took pictures with him, had cake, and got to talk with him and be with him. We were all so happy. He was so happy. That was such a happy day! 

He last saw…

He last saw my dad before he died. Grandpa was getting me and my siblings Christmas presents and was giving money to my dad. They got to hug and truly…say goodbye. 

Then the next morning (the 15th) my dad was the one to find him. 

Believing In Me…

My Grandpa always believed in me. Since I was little he has been my biggest supporter in everything I do. 

When I was little I wanted to bake and make food. I’d go to restaurants and put together little creations of salt, pepper, paper wrapping from straws, salsa, chips and more. I’d stir it all up and you know what? Grandpa would try it. Actually for real life take a taste and tell me how good it was. Then years later, with a lot of practice and encouragement, I was able to become a better baker and chef. Now I cook food for my family and bake them treats. Cakes, cookies, pies, cinnamon rolls, breads, pita bread, tortillas and more and all gluten free! I really do believe it was his encouragement of me that lead me to here. 

Every dance performance, musical, and play I’ve been in he has been there. 

When I started writing he was so encouraging and excited to see my works published—even before I think I believed I could be a professional writer, he believed in me. He believed in me so much he actually invested financially into me to work on getting published. 

Since his passing, I think it’s put a fire in me to actually get published. I have to now. I can’t procrastinate anymore. I can’t push it off. I have to now because he believed in me. He believed I could do this. My family believes I can do this. I have to now—for him. 

More…& Goodbye <3

I want to share more things and memories soon. I’m planning on Christmas to share one of my FAVORITE Christmas memories from childhood that’s with my grandpa. I’ll see you all soon! 

Goodbye friends! 

Love,

Moriyah